Lonely Hearts Chapel

Reasons to Live

As someone who’s spent (and continues to spend) an outsized portion of my life privately telling myself “I wish I was dead,” I figured it might be a fun challenge for me to publicly declare all the reasons that I, in fact, want the opposite. Here I shall devote space to things I’m looking forward to; reviews of books and movies; MY THERAPY DIARIES; and generally anything that keeps me hangin’ on. Disclaimer: these reasons to live will obviously not work for everyone, but here’s hoping that in my views and recommendations you’ll be able to find some scrap of joy you didn’t know existed. Let’s begin with some evergreen examples . . .

1.) MARIA BAMFORD and everything she does/is.

This angel has been making me LOL for as long as I can remember (I can confidently say this bc most of my life before mid-20s is a merciful blur.) plus her INCOMPARABLY HYSTERICAL memoir helped me further my own mental health journey the last few years. We don’t share the same diagnosis, which surprised me, but let’s just say there’s a ton of symptomatic overlap. My library acquired this book thanks to MY request (and as an audiobook, to boot! So everyone in my area now gets to enjoy her unrivaled voice-work.) In fact, this brings me to a REASON TO LIVE which *should apply to everyone: YOU CAN HELP DECIDE WHAT CONTENT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY PURCHASES! Back to the human treasure that is Maria, though: odds are you’ve experienced her comedy or voiceover work before, whether you realize it or not (sometimes it feels like she’s everywhere! but in the best possible way) and as of late, she’s been a big part of some of my pleasantest surprises (Teenage Euthanasia; Everything’s Gonna Be Okay; Seven Stages to Achieve Eternal Bliss.)

2.) H. JON BENJAMIN’S VOICE

While we’re on the topic of voiceover LEGENDS, I’d be remiss to not mention the man behind both Bob Belcher AND Sterling Archer, codename: Duchess. I’m sure he’s not aware of this, but I take him to bed with me almost every single night. Due to my endless craziness, I’ll likely never be able to sleep without the TV on some comforting cartoon show playing at low-volume in the background. So, between Mr. Benjamin’s portrayal of Bob (the lovable schlub of a father) and Archer (the crass dickwad of a dad) his voice will continue to help me work through all my shades of daddy issues whenever I sleep for the rest of my fucked-up life. Also, there’s an apocryphal moment of his career that long-ago solidified my love of this man forever. There exists an interview where he’s asked about his status as one of IMDB’s list of “Essential Bears” where he talks about how he hasn’t gotten laid in a long time, saying something along the lines of “but that’s a good thing, when you have sex like I do.” Almost certainly said in jest, sure, but I cling to this moment as proof that there’s much more to this icon than meets the eye . . . or, ear.

3.) (BLOODSLUT and VoidBoiz) BOOK CLUBS

THESE BOOK CLUBS are about as official as their names suggest; really, they’re just a way to track all of the titles I read with my two favorite people to share my reading habits with: my best friend Lorna (cofounder of the Bloodslut B.C.) and my former internet-boyfriend Denim (of The VoidBoiz–which used to be called the Booger Bear book club, back when we wanted to sleep with each other.) The gritty-sounding names of these clubs reflect their overall moods, as Lorna and I tend to focus mainly on horror, whereas Denim and I partake of more broadly pessimistic fare. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m lacking a steady intake of inspirational, uplifting, and just plain not-intensely-bleak reads; so, toward the end of remedying that, I shall likely revisit the books which have helped me the most, therapeutically speaking (Beyond Borderline, The Velvet Rage, and The Lost Weekend) in order to review them and share their benefits–if anyone is interested in embarking on that journey with me. Or, if you maybe want to try formulating our own informal and goofily named Book Club together, PLEASE GET AT ME ON STORYGRAPH (to garner a sense of my tastes and blindspots) or simply check out my various book clubs, five-star reads, and reviews here.

4.) WOODSBORO HIGH CINEMA CLUB

No offense to books, but my first artistic love will always be the visual media: TV and movies. Macabre as it sounds, I’ve spent most of my life employing films I would classify as “I can’t kill myself until this movie comes out and I see it” in order to assuage my self-destructive urges, ride out my most hopeless days. Of course, this led to tragic periods for me when I would find myself in-between “can’t kill myself” movies and therefore absolutely rudderless. Thankfully, I’m proud to admit: I haven’t felt the need to designate any such movies for at least five years now, but cinema will perpetually rank near the very top of my reasons for living. I’d like to describe my tastes as “teasingly diverse” and “expertly honed” but the truth is, I mostly just vacillate wildly between pretention and camp; but I promise if you check out my WOODSBORO HIGH CINEMA CLUB, you will not be disappointed–if only because you walk away feeling much better about your own choices.

5.) Last but most: MY TWO GREATEST HEROES

For many years now, and for all time, my most fundamental reason for living has been and will always be: a certain pair of precocious young ladies who’ve come to depend on me a great deal, and whom I never want to let down. Just because I’m not their father, and one of them isn’t even blood-related to me, doesn’t mean I don’t consider them my closest Family. These two superstars soared into my life at a point when I easily could’ve fallen off the edge of the earth and nobody would’ve been surprised. More and more as they grow, they require less and less of me, and (no matter how harshly this truth hits me at times) I can only hope this continues to be the case. Regardless, I must never lose sight of the fact that the threads of all our fates are now impossibly tangled up with one another, and there’s no possible way I can snip out my own without thoughtlessly reducing theirs to pieces. They are the WHY that will bring me through any HOW.

Love always,

Mister L.

P.S. — Another major reason to live, for me, is the chance to meet all of YOU! Please don’t be shy! Some of my most cherished memories were made with weirdos I met on the Internet: fans of my erotica, even the random Redditors with whom I’m embarking upon an epic QUEST TO THE DIGITAL WORLD!